What?! A Driving Test?! You've got to be kidding me!

I’ve been driving for 25 years now—since I was 14 actually.  I started out with big farm trucks, bailers, swathers, tractors and a 40 year-old IHC pick-up truck that you had to prime with a choke to start.  I’ve driven in snow storms on canyon roads, ice storms, in sand, through fields, through herds of cattle and flocks of sheep and goats, over washed out farm roads, in Taipei, BKK, LA and NYC traffic, and, of course over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house too.  I’ve also driven for years in Thailand (illegally), Taiwan (legally) and China (I plead the 5th). I remember driving Rout 66 one summer with some friends.  I’ve driven back and forth from LA to Salt Lake City probably 50 times.  Back and forth from Chicago to SLC another 10 times in my grad school years.  I’ve seen it all.  And in that time I’ve got a total of four traffic tickets (all for speeding) and hit one wall (last week) and one parked car (when I was 16). I’m pretty confident in my driving abilities.So when I keep failing my Chinese driver’s license test (the written part), I have to admit, I’m looking for excuses.  Yea, I know that it’s my own fault that I’ve got 88 points 4 times now (you need 90 to pass).  And believe me, I’m taking tons of crap for it too.  My wife has told me more than once (OK, more than 20 times) that she thinks I must have bought my MA if I can’t pass a simple driving test.  My response is I’ve never studied for a test like this—I’ve never had to memorize the answers to 1500 questions without learning a damn thing before.I told my friend and old China hand, Richard Jones, that I was taking the Chinese driver’s license test today and he said:

Driver's TEST????Hahahahahahahahah.Only in China.Do they test you for swerving all over the road and stopping in the middle?Hehehehehe

Yup.  That’s pretty much what I think too.  China has the most dangerous roads in the world.  And not just because they have so many (bad) drivers either.  There a thousand reasons that I’ve shared before here and won’t list out again now.  But whatever the excuses, since I can no longer pay someone to take the test for me, I’m stuck finding time to memorize the cacophony of Chinglish test questions.Over Turkey dinner I told some friends about my poor test results and they, of course, laughed themselves silly.  They also shared a ton of stories, many are not publishable, but one that is must be shared.Richard (not the one above) is from Taiwan but lived in the States for decades and driven now in all three countries.  He says that he always carries two driver’s licenses with him when he drives in China; one from China and one from Taiwan.  If he gets into an accident then he uses the legal one from China.  But for any other situation he uses the one from Taiwan.  It’s in Chinese, it’s not expired and Taiwan is, as we all know, “part of China.”  Richard says his Taiwan license has gotten him out of a lot of sticky situations with only a small “tip” to the officers.  Why?  Think about it.  What are the Chinese police going to say?  “Your license is not valid because … um … well … it’s just not!”  Yup.  Policemen are not going to tell another Chinese that Taiwan is foreign, so they stammer and hem and haw and basically let him go.  Richard says he learned this from other Taiwanese that are here in China.One other driving story I was told.  The fines in China are relatively cheap, at least for foreigners or wealthy Chinese.  So cheap in fact that many just blow through watched intersections or speed past speed-limit signs knowing that the fee is going to be the equivalent of USD$50 or less.  Even the fine for covering your license plate is only $25 and/or a warning.  I didn’t realize that some of the bad driving here was on purpose.And “everyone on both sides of the Taiwan straight” agreed that the only real traffic rule here is: follow the rules and everyone will think you’re an idiot!Did you know it’s illegal to turn left before oncoming traffic clears the intersection?  Or that it’s illegal to continue driving when there are people in the crosswalk? Or that you can’t stop your car anywhere on a public road unless it’s marked for parking?  Or that you can’t back up on the freeway or down an on ramp if you’ve missed your exit or taken the wrong exit?  Join the club!  Neither do any of the other 10 million drivers here.  Or they know but just don’t care.  Not sure which is scarier.Anyway, as I was studying this week I realized that the manual of questions was a treasure trove of great comedic material.  So in the interest of lightening the world’s overall depression and evoking a bit of sympathy for my plight, I share with you a few of the best test questions cut, pasted and unedited directly from the official English manual (Snarky comments are all mine).Enjoy these—just stay off the roads.

1.1.1.11 The driver may drive a motorized vehicle __________.A. After drinking alcoholB. When he suffers from a disease that impedes safe drivingC. When he is exhaustedD. After drinking tea(What If I’m not thirsty?  What if I don’t like tea, can I still drive?)Answer:  D(my second most favorite question) 3.2.1.6 The main feature of pedestrians participating in road traffic is _________.A. They move slowlyB. The like to get together and look onC. They are not stableD. They walk around at will and can easily change directionsAnswer:  D (I think that “all of the above” would be the best answer here!)(My personal favorite) 5.7.2.2 When the driver senses he will inevitably be thrown out of the vehicle, he should violently straighten both his legs to increase the force of being thrown out and jump out of the vehicle.Answer: Right1.1.1.13 ___________ of the following are not road traffic signals.A. Traffic lightsB. Traffic bulletin boardC. Command of the traffic policeD. Traffic signsAnswer:  B1.1.1.14 __________ of the following are not road traffic signals.A. Warning lightsB. Traffic signsC. Command of the traffic policeD. Traffic markingsAnswer:  A1.1.1.19 On the road not divided into the lane for motorized vehicles, the lane for non-motorized vehicles and the sidewalk, the motorized vehicles should run _______.A. On both sides of the roadB. In the middle of the roadC. According to lanesD. At willAnswer:  B1.1.2.28  A small motorized vehicle may overtake a police car performing an emergency task.Answer: Wrong1.2.1.79 A driver is not allowed to drive a motorized vehicle for ________ running without stopping the vehicle and having a rest.A. 4 hoursB. 5 hoursC. 6 hoursD. 8 hoursAnswer:  A1.2.1.80 If a driver has driven a motorized vehicle for more than four hours running, he should stop the vehicle and rest for at least ____________.A. 5 minutesB. 10 minutesC. 20 minutesD. 40 minutesAnswer:  C1.5.1.2 With regard to the vehicle that is suspected of stealing and cannot be immediately released, the traffic police may _____ on the spot.A. Confiscate itB. Detain itC. Auction itD. Impose a fineAnswer:  B1.7.2.8     The person who is addicted to drug taking and injection may apply for a motorized vehicle driving license when he is not overwhelmed by drug addiction.Answer: Wrong3.2.1.5 When running at a high speed, the steering wheel can have a feel of “being deprived” due to the impact of _______. The driver should firmly hold the steering wheel and drives at a lower speed.A. Ice and snowB. Heavy rainC. Side windD. FogAnswer:  C3.3.2.1 When driving, the driver should strictly obey the relevant provisions of the laws and regulations and consciously safeguard the traffic order.Answer: Right3.3.2.2 A qualified driver should not only be technically adept, but more importantly have   good driving habits and ethical attainments.Answer: Right5.8.1.3 When putting out a fire, the wrong method is to ____________.A. Stand leeward to the fireB. Take off the clothes made of chemical fiberC. Protect the exposed skinD. Do not breathe through mouth or cry loudlyAnswer:  A5.8.2.9 Before the driver escapes from a fire disaster, he should turn off the ignition switch, cut off the power switch and the blind, and manage to turn off the fuel tank switch.Answer: Right (What is the blind and where is the fuel tank switch in any car that was made in the last 50 years?)6.1.2.3 The gear is designed to smoothly connect and completely separate the engine and the transmission system for starting to move and changing gear.Answer: Wrong6.1.2.4 The foot brake is designed to keep a stopped vehicle from moving.Answer: Wrong7.1.1.4 When there many wounded persons, those who should be sent to hospital last are the persons ________.A. Suffering cervical vertebra damageB. Suffering massive haemorrhageC. Suffering breathing difficultyD. Whose intestines and veins are exposedAnswer:  A7.1.1.7 The wrong measure to rescue a person sustaining burns all over his body is to _________.A. Use sandy soil to coverB. Swiftly put out the flames of his clothesC. Spray cool water to his bodyD. Take off his burning clothesAnswer:  A7.1.1.8 The first-aid measure to rescue a poisoned person is to _______.A. Take warming-up measuresB. Bring him to a place where air is fresh  (Um...like Canada?)C. Give him artificial respirationD. Depress the heart over the chestAnswer:  B7.1.1.14 The article that cannot be used to stop bleeding by dressing is _________.A. BondageB. SlingC. TourniquetD. Hemp ropeAnswer:  D7.1.1.15 Stopping bleeding with tourniquet refers to ligating an elastic rubber tube and rubber band at ________ of the upper limb or the middle thigh of the wounded person.A. One-thirdB. One-halfC. Two-thirdsD. Three-quartersAnswer:  A (If you know the answer to this question you are either an Eagle Scout or a paramedic.)7.1.2.12 When putting a bone fracture in the lower limb, the limb must be crooked and tied up.Answer: Wrong (I always wanted to know how to put a fracture in someone’s lower limb. I guess this test wasn't a waste of time after all!)7.1.2.19 When a wounded suffers bleeding in the forearm or shank, the rescuers may place a cushion in the armpit or in the rook of the arm, crook the armpit or rook and tie up.Answer: Right7.1.2.20 When using a bondage to dress a wounded person, the knot should be made neither above the wound nor at the back of the body. Otherwise, the wounded person will feel uncomfortable when sleeping.Answer: Right  (Because if you have bleeding wounds that have need of “bondage” sleeping comfortably is a priority.)7.2.1.1 ____ refers to the material and article that has the danger of overall explosion.A. ExplosiveB. Inflammable solid materialC. Inflammable gasD. Self-igniting articleAnswer:  A7.2.1.2 Gun powder, explosives and detonating powder are ________.A. Oxidizing materialsB. Inflammable solid materialsC. ExplosivesD. Self-igniting articlesAnswer:  C7.2.1.4 _____ of the following are a dangerous inflammable solid material.A. MatchesB. FireworksC. Calcium carbideD. ExplosivesAnswer:  A